Top Secret Election Letter
This is Norway. We have information on your opponent in this election.
We would like to meet with your son Donald in Trump Tower and share it. We are certain that you would be happy to set up that meeting, as you generously invited us to make this contact in your exclusive interview with George Stephanopoulos.
Some might question you arranging such a meeting. Here’s an idea. If they do, don’t tell them it’s to discuss election dirt but to address the possibility of adopting Russian children.
Or, maybe you could tell them where they can go. Or, you could advise them that they don’t know what they are talking about and continue to say as you told Mr. Stephanopoulos “to give me a break, life doesn’t work that way.”
We agree with you that the Director of the FBI is completely wrong in saying you should notify that organization if there is a contact from a foreign country such as ours. We know you hold the FBI in extremely low regard.
We hold them in low regard, too, and say the FBI is an acronym for Foolish Bunch of Idiots. Feel free to start calling them that — we will not accuse you of plagiarism.
We commend you for standing up for your rights as the President and demonstrating you are above the law. You are entitled to be treated with kid gloves and deserve to be garbed in the gowns of royalty.
In this regard, from your recent visits to Japan and England, and your earlier visits to Saudi Arabia and France, we know that you love the royal treatment and pomp and circumstance. Norway does not have the military might of any of those countries, but our country does award the Nobel Peace Prize. And we can think of no more worthy recipient.
No one in the history has ever done more to bring peace to his country and the world. You are a role model for humanity, compassion, and courage. Your avoiding the draft with bone spurs, and not being a fan of the Vietnam war, attest to your commitment to doing the right thing.
You, and noone else, deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. We promise you that when you receive the Prize in October of this year we will roll out the red carpet and give you a 21-gun salute. What could be more appropriate?
We could also do F-35 flyovers. But, given your love for nature, we are certain you would prefer to cruise some of our breathtaking fjords in solitude and silence.
You can use the Peace Prize and the information that we give you on your opponent as the centerpieces for your 2020 campaign. We will provide the full information on the opponent in our meeting with Don Jr.
In advance of the meeting, we will tell you, in confidence, that the initials of that opponent are DT. This opponent is out to get you, and without doubt is the biggest challenge to you securing another 4 years in office. We assure you this is not fake news and our source is irrefutable and intractable.
Looking forward to hearing from you and to colluding on this. Oops, we mean collaborating.
For now, let’s keep this our secret. Mum’s the word for us. Given your personal discipline, we are certain it will be for you as well.
No Way Norway
p.s. Keep on texting the truth. It will Make America Great Again, by setting us free.